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Matyas
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 43
Location: out of my mind
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 Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 9:53 pm Post subject: Jokes |
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(Moderator Edit: Cool idea, Matyas. I'm going to make this thread the joke thread)
THE TALKING DOG...
>
> A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
> house "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells
> him the dog is in the backyard.
>
> The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
> there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
>
> The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
> I was
> pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
> gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
> sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
> dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."
> "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
> any younger so I decided to settle down. I
> signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
> wandering
> near suspicious characters and listening in."
> "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
> I got married, had a mess of
> puppies, and now I'm just retired."
>
> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
> for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
> "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
> cheap?"
>
> "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
_________________
The eagle, who believed he was a chicken, wasn't. However, until he discovered what he was, he was limited to live as one. -Walter Russell |
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undo
Site Admin
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 328
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| Posted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:19 am Post subject: |
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This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
http://www.2flashgames.com/f/f-Job-Application-3637.htm |
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Matyas
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 43
Location: out of my mind
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| Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 12:20 pm Post subject: |
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Wife notices hubby packing his bags:
"Where are you going?"
"There's an island in the South Pacific where guys get paid $25 each time they make love."
"Cool! I'm coming, too! I wanna see how you make ends meet on $25 a month!"
And another one...
A farmer in Florida is on his way to his orchard, bucket in hand. As he passes by a pond he sees three naked girls in the water, their clothes scattered on the grass. One of the girls yells at him:
"Hey, quit staring! We won't come out until you leave!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, I just came to feed the alligator."
_________________
The eagle, who believed he was a chicken, wasn't. However, until he discovered what he was, he was limited to live as one. -Walter Russell |
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Matyas
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 43
Location: out of my mind
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| Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 3:43 am Post subject: |
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A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
**********************************************
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
***********************************************
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
***********************************************
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
***********************************************
_________________
The eagle, who believed he was a chicken, wasn't. However, until he discovered what he was, he was limited to live as one. -Walter Russell |
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Matyas
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 43
Location: out of my mind
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| Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
_________________
The eagle, who believed he was a chicken, wasn't. However, until he discovered what he was, he was limited to live as one. -Walter Russell |
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Matyas
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 43
Location: out of my mind
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| Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 6:43 am Post subject: |
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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
"Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!"
_________________
The eagle, who believed he was a chicken, wasn't. However, until he discovered what he was, he was limited to live as one. -Walter Russell |
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caoxueer1r
Joined: 14 Aug 2009
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 1:04 am Post subject: |
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My 15-year-old is disinclined to work for her GCSEs, saying her time is better spent preening herself
in preparation for assignations with her delightful, diligent, privately educated, moneyed boyfriend.
She insists the money spent on nail-painting, hair-colouring and the like is an investment and will be
more than repaid when he marries her. Is she deluding herself?
A curious mother
Dear Curious Mother, archlord gold,
Surprising as this may seem in the 21st century, your daughter's strategy is not unusual. Evidence
on speed-dating gathered by the economists Michèle Belot and Marco Francesconi shows that women are
attracted by rich men, while men focus more on a woman's physical appearance. Lena Edlund, another
economist, has found that in the areas of her native Sweden where the wealthiest men live, women of
prime marriageable age are over-represented。
However, your daughter is only 15; for Edlund, “prime marriageable age” is 25-44. Your daughter
is either going to have to get her hooks into this chap unusually early, or she is going to have to
keep him on the boil for another decade – a lot of nail-painting。
archlord power leveling,
Not only is she concentrating her investments into a single asset by abandoning her education, but
she may even be making her main goal harder to achieve. Belot and Francesconi discovered that a strong
social trend towards “assortative mating” means that although educated, high-achieving men are not
interested in marrying a rich woman, they do like educated high-achieving women, rather than shallow
girls with shiny nails。
Your daughter should learn to work hard and look good at the same time. Not only will it advance
her immediate goals, it will also – sadly – stand her in good stead for the rest of her life。
archlord gold,
Unless we spend money to spot and prevent asteroids now, one might crash into Earth and destroy life
as we know it, say some scientists.
Asteroids are bigger versions of the meteoroids that race across the night sky. Most orbit the
sun far from Earth and don’t threaten us. But there are also thousands of asteroids whose orbits put
them on a collision course with Earth.
Buy $50 million worth of new telescopes right now. Then spend $10 million a year for the next 25
year5s to locate most of the space rocks. By the time we spot a fatal one, the scientists say, we’ll
have a way to change its course.
Some scientists favor pushing asteroids off course with nuclear weapons. But the cost wouldn’t be
cheap.archlord power leveling,
Is it worth it? Two things experts consider when judging any risk re: 1) How likely the event is;
and 2) How bad the consequences if the event occurs. Experts think an asteroid big enough to destroy
lots of life might strike Earth once every 500,000 years. Sounds pretty rare—but if one did fall, it
would be the end of the world. “If we don’t take care of these big asteroids, they’ll take care of
us,” says one scientist. “It’s that simple.”aoc gold,
The cure, though, might be worse than the disease. Do we really want fleets of nuclear weapons
sitting around on Earth? “The world has less to fear from doomsday rocks than from a great nuclear
fleet set against them,” said a New York Times article.
A curious mother
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